It has been 22 days since we left for this trip, we kinda just fall into a routine now, way different from your average nightly routine when you live in a house or in a dorm. To me it seems more simple and easy living, but from an outsiders view I can understand that it can seem very complex. That there is no absolute, which I admit I have craved in my life, I have always needed to find an answer. But since we left I have fallen in love with living in the grey area.
I am an indecisive, go with the flow, anything is fine by me type of person. I have lived for doing spontaneous things, or I guess you could say, never having a plan. So a lot of me lives in the grey area in my day to day life, although not all of me. As I travel the states in a van having a plan but also at the same time no plan at all. I am working on becoming okay with living in the grey area with other places in my life. To become more okay with not finding an answer. Sometimes there's just no answer.
I guess part of me wants to find the answers but not be limited by them, that college is not the only answer, that there is always an open ended option. We all don't fit into a box or a multiple letter choice answer, there is so much more than what people have the option of. We limit ourselves without really knowing, society has controlled us and made us unaware of all of the potential each and everyone of us holds.
Last night as I was going to bed I had a thought to myself, this whole time while on this trip I have been so connected to my friends at school. They can all text me, call me, snapchat me, Instagram, Facebook... so on and so forth. So I sat there wondering what am I doing? I love hearing about what my friends are up to; all their studying they have to get done, or that sick party they were just at. I even love seeing all the selfies my parents took while they were away in Italy. So don't me wrong I want to hear about you guys but it seems to make this trip less exciting. That I never actually left.
The point of being away from someone and reconnecting is you start to appreciate the time you have together, you hold it that much closer to your heart. So if I don't answer your calls or texts or I don't respond to that cute snapchat selfie you just sent me I am sorry. I am out here trying to live my best self and see as much as I can around me.
It is a hard thing to balance, not wanting to miss out on what your friends are doing. Although the way I see it; if you spend all your time listening to what your friends have experienced, you miss all that is before you, all that you could have been experiencing. I think we all face these challenges in our lives one time or another. That yes you missing a semester of college or taking that job over the summer, may cause you to miss some moments with your friends. But you will be getting the experience, you will be the one with more ahead of you, the one taking an opportunity and not looking back. So I say go for it.
Maybe I am naive, that I don't understand college life because I have never been but I think we all put an image on college that makes no sense. College is 4 years of your life... That is such a tiny fraction of all the years you live. I honestly believe the whole idea of college will never make sense to me...
All 17/18 year olds are spending hours on hours to prove to a college why they should be picked. But how many hours do colleges spend to prove to kids they are the college for them? Surely not enough I'd say. I think this process is all backwards. That colleges look for the kids who are "fit for their campus." Why does every place have make people fit into a checklist. It’s funny because I suppose college is a grey area for a moment, at least when you are applying and not sure if you will be accepted or not. Or kids who are undecided majors, not sure what they want to do with their lives. We force those unbalanced and unsure thoughts away, forcing kids to believe they must pick a major and stick with it for good.
Writing about this stuff I can’t help but laugh, I see a lot of problems and challenges that don't make sense to me. I don’t mean to write about these things as if I know the answers to everything. I don't, and I definitely don't have a key in my back pocket that will turn this world into something perfect. A world with no hunger, poverty, discrimination and so much more I wish I could fix. I only write what I see, what I believe. My intentions are not to stereotype but to express my feelings.
I am just one person, one kid from Fairfield Connecticut, so what do I know? Honestly not a lot, and I am okay with that. But I want to learn more and that's all that matters to me. I am willing to put in the time and effort to learn more. One step at a time, some steps are planned out while some are eyes closed and hope for the best. There are no absolutes in life, I am learning that maybe the hard way or maybe just the normal way like everyone else.
Greta Ann Vanderblue.